The Secret

Mama, I love you....I love you so much mama....You are a murder...Murder...Murder...
Noooooo...I don't killed you...I never mean it....I even never know that I have you.....Stop...Stop calling me the murder cos I'm not...Stooop.....
Babe...babe...wake up...you dream again...Suddenly Hans voice woke me up from the very bad dream I always get almost every night...
Hans bring a glass of water and asking me to drink it...Now,take a breathe and relax, Hans says...Be calm....It only dream...relax...
Hans...it happen again..I'm scared...what should I do ? I starting crying....
sssttttttttt....be calm baby...don't cry...come,let me hug you...Hans take my head on his arm and hugging me...
I'm so lucky to have husband like Hans, he always be patient to face me......


Mama...Mama ....Mmmmmuuuaaaah....I felt small and wet lips kissed all over my face, I opened my eyes and I could see the very nice smile...Mama...said Lara...
Hi gorgeous, you wake up already ? i ask her while i kiss her...
Ya, answer Hans...I put her on our bed cos she start nagging asked her milk....
Ooooh, why you don't wake me up ?
I can handle it, baby...and I see you sleep so tight...I don't want to bother you...says Hans,while he kiss me
Ooooh...Thanks baby...
you deserve it honey...says Hans again....
Well...ready for breakfast ? ask Hans..
I'll dress first and then I'll go down stairs after...answer me...
well...ok,Lara and I gonna waiting you down stairs...Let's go young lady we go breakfast...Hans leaving to go down stairs and take Lara....


I get out from bed and go to the bath room, I open the water pipe and I start to brush my teeth, wash my face and I dry it...
I was look in to the mirror to see if it already fine with my face,but again...I was looking somebody else...She's not me....The women in the mirror is not me....
I saw somebody else...The murder...Yaa...she's the murder....I hate her...I reach the glass and I immediately throw in to the mirror....I cry and I scream....

"Honey...Sweety....what's wrong ?" Ask Hans while he run to see what happen with me.....
"Aaaaah...Not again" He stare at me....
"I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean it...really...I just...I just..." I try to explain but then I could say nothing....
"just what ?....just hate to see the women in the mirror ?" ask Hans...
"enough baby...it just enough....please...!!!"
"listen, everything in your past,it wasn't your fault...everybody know that you are the very best mother and you are not a killer....you understand ?!? " Hans said with a bit anger...."Lara and I waiting you down stairs" said Hans again and leave me...
I can understand if he angry cos it already 3 years since we've married, I do something that people said strange...Lucky that Hans never leave me, I can't imagine if he is somebody else, I'm sure our marriage will be over even in the first day...But Hans so patient and tolerant to face me...he support me with a lot love that he has...

I clean all the broken mirror and hurry to dress,cos I don't want Hans and Lara waiting me too long...
It is so quite breakfast...Only Lara who has a voice,she eat and talking and sometimes she sing her favorite song...But Hans and I were just quite...I see he still angry for what I've done...until...
"Babe...Listen...it been almost 7 years and it already 3 years...I just get a little bit fade up with everything you've done....Now,it the time to finish it...Tell him...Tell what you already pass...He deserve to know the truth and you deserve to be happy..." Hans starting to speak....
"please babe...not now...I don't want to discuss about it anymore" answer me...
"oooooh come on...Nanin....when it the time ? you always said not now...and when it is ?
I do really fade up...shall I email him and tell what happen ? shall I do it myself ?" Hans start to raising his voice...
"Hans...Lara" I try to stop him and warn him cos our baby around us and it not nice for me to see that our baby saw that her parents arguing....
"well...I go office now...just thinking what I said,if you do really care about our family" says Hans while he kiss Lara..."papa loves you"says him again...
"remember..your past is with him,but now and the future is ours"
He leave with anger..no kiss good bye just like he do as always...he was too angry....and I just silent....

I was put Lara on her bed when I see the clock and it 7.30pm and Hans haven't back yet from the office...He even not call me if he gonna home late...Dinner already served but then it cold again....Hans never did it...how busy he is,he always call me if he gonna home late...
I try to call him but his phone is off...
I started to get worried, but I try to throw away all the anxiety....Maybe the battery finished and Hans has a meeting with his client...So better I wait...

I take a cup of coffee and sit on the couch to relaxed my self while I wait Hans....Chet Baker never tired to sing his song..."my funny valentine ...sweet funny valentine" I smile when I hear that song...I remember the first time Hans sing for me and on that time he also asked me to marry him....never forget that moment....

"time after time, I tell my self that I so lucky to be loving you"......Chet Baker starting to sing new song....my mind immediately back to the past...the past that I really want to erase from my mind....the past is always haunting me... the time when the suffering get started and the past is always good to make Hans and I have big argument....The past when the big secret started and never know when it gonna be over....